The Magic Question to Unlock Your Deep Intuition

[00:00:00] Rachel: Have you ever had a really frustrating experience with somebody when you’ve asked them if they’d like to do something or you’ve perhaps suggested a particular role, and they’ve said yes, and then they’d come back and forth with clarification’s and questions and just checking about something. And you start to think. I’m not sure this person actually wants to do this. And why they asking me so many questions? But every time you say, look, this is, this is this okay, do you still want to go ahead? They’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, this is, this is fine. I just want to know this.

[00:00:30] Rachel: Well, I had that situation recently where there was somebody we were thinking about working with. And this person was great, but when we said what we wanted them to do, they could never quite commit to it. There was always a few questions and rewriting this and rewriting that. And in the end. I wasn’t really sure how to proceed. And I was lucky enough to be speaking at the PCN plus conference this year. And the night before I was sitting with Tara Humphreys from TAC Primary Care. And I shared with her a little bit about my frustration of getting people to commit to stuff, or getting people to admit when things aren’t right for them, particularly if they’re people pleasers.

[00:01:06] Rachel: And Tara said something to me that has been so helpful. She said, Rachel, I just sit people down and say to them In your heart of hearts, is this exactly what you wants to be doing? And she said that whenever she’s had that conversation with people, it’s always moved them on. It very, very often gets them unstuck and they’re able to really think about it and say, actually, no, it’s not. And then they know what they’re dealing with and they can agree where they go from that. Or somebody thinks about and goes actually, yes it is. This is what I want to be doing. And then they can think about how to fix the things that just seem to be going wrong.

[00:01:41] Rachel: So when I got back home, the next time I saw this person, I said to her in your heart of hearts, is this exactly what you want to be doing? And she sort of looked at the ground and said, actually not really. And that was such a relief for both of us, because I knew exactly where I stood and she was able to say what she really felt.

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[00:02:31] Rachel: For a long time in my organization, I’ve tried to follow the advice of Derek Sivers. It’s either a hell yeah or it’s the no. And if anyone wants to just Google that there’s the fantastic podcast, there’s blogs, there’s a book called It’s a Hell Yeah or a No.

[00:02:46] Rachel: And Derek Sivers, who’s one of the clearest thinkers that I’ve listened to, says that it makes decisions really, really easy if you just go for the stuff that really really grabs you, rather than the stuff that’s a bit mediocre and it can free up a lot of your time.

[00:02:59] Rachel: The problem with hell yeah, or no, it’s whilst it’s a great principle. It’s actually quite hard to carry out. Sometimes in our job roles, there’s just things that we have to do, even if it’s not a hell yeah. And sometimes we don’t actually know what our real hell yeah is.

[00:03:16] Rachel: If you’re someone like me, I’m an Enneagram seven. I just love doing lots of different things so I can get caught up in the moment they go oh yeah, that’s a hell yeah, that’s a hell yeah, and then when I get back home, I think mmm, is it, or did I just sort of get carried away in the moment there because I genuinely wants to do all of it?

[00:03:30] Rachel: And quite often when I’ve committed to something, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with this gut instinct that, oh, that wasn’t the right thing to do, I don’t really want to do that. And in the past, that’s caused me all sorts of problems because I then had to sort of undo my commitment to various things. And that feels bad, particularly when my definition of integrity if meaning what I say and doing what I say that I’ll do.

[00:03:53] Rachel: But so many of us just say yes to things or go along with stuff and we ignore that intuition, that gut feeling that actually, this isn’t the right path or we hope against hope that it is, and we ignore those little red flags that are coming up for us. It might be about a person or situation or a particular job role. But if we don’t listen to that voice, then our boundaries are all over the place because we don’t really know what our boundaries should be or what our needs are.

[00:04:24] Rachel: We end up doing loads of things we don’t really want to do, or we’ve sort of half committed to. And then we ended up sort of just procrastinating and not doing them at all and letting people down. Then we feel really bad about ourselves and go into the whole shame spiral of gosh, I’m so bad. I didn’t do that, or I really shouldn’t have agreed to it in the first place.

[00:04:41] Rachel: And so we operate with this slightly uneasy feeling and hope against hope that things are going to get better, but they very rarely do.

[00:04:49] Rachel: Robin Sharma was saying on a recent podcast I was listening to that people reveal what they’re like. They show you their red flags all the time, but a lot of the time we just choose to ignore them through wishful thinking. And I’m sure you can all think of people who, the signs were there that they weren’t the right fit for you as a colleague or as a partner, or even as a friend, but you ignored the red flags and the signs because you just wanted to believe something else.

[00:05:13] Rachel: But if we get this right, if we learn to work out what the real hell yet is for us, then we’ll end up doing stuff that brings us joy, doing stuff that’s really consistent with our own values, with our goals in life. We’ll end up having our yes be our yes and our no be our no. And that will bring consistency. People will trust us more. They wouldn’t have to be second guessing us all the time. And if we really know what a hell yeahs are, then we’ll just stop wasting time, we’ll be able to say what our real needs are.

[00:05:45] Rachel: So why do we ignore this inner voice? Why don’t we listen to our intuition more? Well, a lot of it comes from fear. A lot of our response is due to that amygdala response, that threat response when we’re in our fight flight or freeze. And we’re thinking, gosh, I can’t do this on my own, or I really, really need this person to help me out. And believe me in life, there are lots of people that are only too happy to tell you exactly how you need them to help you and how rubbish you are on your own, and how you don’t really know what’s going on, and, and why don’t you just, just get them on board.

[00:06:16] Rachel: We get caught up in people pleasing. We think that we can only please people if we go along with what they want. Unfortunately, that never really works for anybody, because if we’re just doing something to please somebody else, that’s going to be leaking out of us leaking, out of every pore. And the other person will know we won’t be giving it our best, and then nobody’s going to be happy. And sometimes we can’t really tell the difference between pleasing other people and what we actually want. We don’t stop for long enough to work out like what is that that I really want and what I really need? And sometimes we find it really difficult to recognize that inner voice. That inner voice that’s coming from a place of love and wisdom, not a place of fear. Because fear based decisions. are often unwise, they turn out to be unhelpful for us, and that also made out of scarcity, worry about the future, as opposed to deep satisfaction and deep knowing that this is the right path to go along.

[00:07:14] Rachel: Wise decisions based out of love are not based on comparison with other people. They’re not based on, I need to be more like that person or more like that person. They’re based on knowing. And understanding yourself.

[00:07:26] Rachel: And when I’m doubting myself and under-confident, I have fallen into the trap of listening to people who are pretty toxic and can be pretty narcissistic, and often can really prey on other people’s insecurities. So making any decision about what your hell yeahs should be from a place of fear, from a place of threat or scarcity is never very helpful.

[00:07:47] Rachel: So when does all. In a voice show up? Well, for me, it can show up in the middle of the night. And Alain de Botton said that when you wake up at three in the morning, you’ve really got to listen to that voice because often we’re so busy, we’re so active, we’re so busy doing everything, that that inner wise voice can’t get through to us until the rest of the world is quiet and we’re not doing anything.

[00:08:07] Rachel: And then it wakes us up and goes hang on, you know, that thing, is that really right for you? And that’s happened to me recently and it’s lead to me making a few decisions that were really hard to make, but as soon as I’d made them, the weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt so much better.

[00:08:22] Rachel: And also in order to listen to that inner wise voice, we need to be relaxed. We need to not be in the middle of the hustle and bustle. We need to be quiet. We need to be still. Often wisdom comes to us as a whisper, and intuition is that still small voice. And once you’re in that place where your parasympathetic system is activated, you have in your soup place, your resting place, you can ask yourself the question in my heart of hearts, what do I think, what do I know about this situation in my heart of hearts?

[00:08:57] Rachel: And for me, that’s just a shortcut for my gut instinct. What do I really know about the situation? What am I choosing to ignore for all sorts of reasons? And I’ve just been on a flight back from Dublin, and whilst I was on the airplane that was thinking about the sort of questions that we could ask that heart of hearts question about, and I’ve, I’ve come up with a list of loads of questions, so I’m just going to read them out. And some of these questions might be exactly what you need to hear right now.

[00:09:26] Rachel: So just have a listen and see what you think. And if you want, so you might want to pause this podcast, go do some breath work, do some meditation, and then just sit with your eyes shut or get out, get yourself out into nature and listen to these questions and see which one resonates with you.

[00:09:41] Rachel: So here’s my list of questions and I’m sure you will also be able to think of some more, so do leave notes in the comments. Get in touch with me, email in to tell me. So here’s the questions.

[00:09:52] Rachel: In my heart of hearts is this the job I really want? Do I really want to work with this person? Do I want to develop a deep connection or friendship with this person? In my heart of hearts am I finding joy in this? In my heart of hearts, do I really think that this is the right thing to do?

[00:10:11] Rachel: In my heart of hearts, am I enjoying this? In my heart of hearts, do I want to do this for the rest of my life? In my house of hearts, would I employ this person again? In my heart of hearts, is this my ideal career? Is this my ideal way of working? In my heart of hearts, is this really where I wants to live?

[00:10:31] Rachel: In my heart of hearts, do I really think that I treated that person well? In my heart of hearts, do I really believe that? In my heart of hearts, do I want this? In my heart of hearts, do I feel safe with this person or these people? In my heart of hearts, do I trust this person or these people?

[00:10:55] Rachel: In my heart of hearts, do I really love doing this thing? In my heart of hearts, do I really think this is going to change? In my heart of hearts, can I afford this?

[00:11:07] Rachel: Now, there will be loads more questions you can think of, but just put "in my heart of hearts" in front of it and see how that changes it. Because if you are a people pleaser, you will need to really connect with yourself and go deep down. Do I really want to? And if you tell the other person, that is going to be such a gift for them.

[00:11:28] Rachel: Because I’ve worked with people who are people pleasers. I am pretty much one myself, but there are some people particularly Enneagram twos, you know who you are, that that really wants to serve and help other people, and often they didn’t really know in their heart of hearts what they really want. And it’s very helpful for me to really know what you want, to really know what you need, rather than just getting you to keep on going down a route you don’t want to go down, because at the end there will be resentment and they will be anger probably from both parties.

[00:12:00] Rachel: So times to use this are perhaps in partnership meetings where a change is being suggested. And you can ask yourself in my heart of hearts, in my wise heart of hearts, does this seem like a good idea or do I really want this? After you’ve thought about it and make sure you’re not responding out of fear, so you may need to go away and think about it.

[00:12:21] Rachel: When someone asks you for a favor, you know, in my heart of hearts, do I really want to do this favor? Or actually in my heart of hearts, does that feel like someone’s stepping on my boundaries or overstepping my limits?

[00:12:35] Rachel: If you want to offer somebody a gift or pay for something, in my heart of hearts, can I really afford to do this? Do I really mean this? In my heart of hearts, do I feel that it’s okay that that person is behaving like that? All tough questions. And if the response in my heart of hearts do I is yes, then great, you’re on the right track. If the answer is maybe, then you need to take Betsy pat and work out what the maybe’s around. What’s stopping you giving a whole hearted yes, a hell yes? What’s there? Dig down. In my heart of hearts, do I really think this? Maybe if it’s a maybe, why might I not think this or want to do this or be enjoying this? Or there might be a but. There might be a yes, but. Listen to that but. What is that but telling you?

[00:13:28] Rachel: The answer to the question might be in my heart of hearts, no, but I am choosing to because. And that is totally fine, as long as you know why you’re choosing to do something, even if it’s against your intuition. It might be. I’m choosing to do this for the next six months because I need to do this to get here, great, you’re choosing to, because you have a plan. But don’t let it be but I’m doing it because I’m frightened they won’t think well of me or I would feel really bad if I didn’t, or I’m worried about what might happen.

[00:14:00] Rachel: If the butt is to do with fear, shame, or guilt, then you need to go back and think actually, why am I feeling that fear, shame or guilt, and what needs to change in my mindset around that? How can I think differently about it?

[00:14:13] Rachel: Now of course we can get this totally wrong. And there are some mistakes that I know I’ve made. Firstly, like don’t sweat the small stuff. You don’t need to ask yourself this about everything in life, right? Would you like Chinese food or a curry tonight? Oh, I don’t know. In my heart of hearts, what do I want? You know, it’s just food, let’s just get on with it, right? But this is about the bigger decisions or maybe some of the smaller decisions that combine to be a bigger decision.

[00:14:36] Rachel: And the other mistake we make is when we ask somebody else. And we just got to be aware of the quick reply, oh yes, of course, diminishing it. Watch for someone’s body language. If someone saying yes very quickly to something or say, oh yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, it’s it’s okay, yeah, I mean, it is fine, you can tell there’s a but. Look for the buts in what somebody’s saying. But, but what I really want to know the buts. And in your hearts of hearts, is this really what you wants to do? Give somebody the gift of asking them that. Because when I asked this person in your heart of hearts, is this really what you wants to be doing? She was able to say, not really. And finally, we were able to have a really open and honest conversation. Things got much better and we are still working together, but on a different basis and it’s so much better than if we had just not been honest with each other about what was going on. But it relied on accessing that deep intuition.

[00:15:33] Rachel: And if you know that someone is not being honest with you and you think there’s something going on, you need to ask them that question. That question, which will unlock a lot of stuff. In your heart of hearts. Is this what you really, really want?

[00:15:47] Rachel: So stay awake to your still small inner voice. Watch out for someone else’s body language or the buts in what they’re saying. And give yourself the opportunity and other people the opportunity to really explore, in your heart of hearts, what is right for you?

[00:16:06] Rachel: And back yourself. Only you know you. Only you can walk your path and live your life. It won’t be the same as everybody else. So stop comparing yourself to everybody else and thinking you’ve got to do stuff just because it’s right for somebody else. You know, in your gut what is right for you.

[00:16:22] Rachel: So we will put in the show notes, a list of these questions, which you can download and ask yourself. You might want to go sit under a tree and do it. But make sure. you’re giving yourself the time and space to decompress because these questions, these questions are really, really important in life and you will be ignoring them at your peril. So go well, ask yourself those questions and I’ll see you in the next quick dip.