11 Ways to Back Your Wise Self

[00:00:00] Rachel: Every Monday at 2. 45 in the afternoon my alarm goes off My alarm goes off to remind me to go down to the gym in the office where I work for my personal training session at 3 o’clock. Now it’s at 3 o’clock because there was no other time in the week we could fit it in and It’s on the day where I reserve to do all my prep my podcast planning, all my deep work and my deep thinking.

[00:00:23] Rachel: Nine times out of ten when my alarm goes off, I snooze it so that I’ve got an extra nine minutes because I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing. And then what happens is I end up running down to the changing rooms, being really stressed because I’m late and missing the first five minutes of my training session, which I paid a lot of money for.

[00:00:42] Rachel: Now I don’t know if this is ringing bells with any of you. Why is it that we decide we’re going to do something and then when it comes to actually doing it, no matter how many alarms we put on, we just don’t do it?

[00:00:54] Rachel: So in this quick tip today I want to talk to you about how to back your wise self and I’ve got some hacks that I’m going to share with you, things that have helped me or I’ve heard that have helped other people. Because most of us feel that making change, doing things that we really want to do, or things that we know we need to do, involves making a decision in the moment. But I think we get that really, really wrong. I think that making changes and doing what we know we need to do involves making a decision in the past and sticking to it in the moment. So the only decision in the moment that you need is deciding to back your wise self. So when I set that alarm at 2. 45, my wise self was saying, Rachel, you need five minutes to tidy all your stuff away. You need to get down to the changing room. You need to get all your stuff on and get up to the gym. That’s going to take you around 15 minutes. And even if you’re a couple of minutes early, what does that matter? That’s great. You get your buffer zone, don’t you? And that’s a very trivial example.

[00:01:52] Rachel: But there are other things like you’re going to have that conversation with a team member and in that conversation your wise self have decided that you’re going to give some feedback that they really need to hear. But in the moment, it feels too uncomfortable, doesn’t it? Or you just don’t want to ruin the rapport you’ve got going with the person in front of you or upset them. And so you don’t back your wise self, your wise self that knew he needed to do that thing.

[00:02:14] Rachel: Now we’ve talked a lot about why this is. It’s all to do with your amygdala who’s trying to keep you safe. It’s trying to keep you protected. But the amygdala depends on trying to avoid the short term discomfort and completely ignores the long term consequences of not doing that thing. And a lot of what we talk about in the podcast is how to overcome this amygdala hijack we get in the moment. But I want to talk about a very simple technique for when you’ve already done all that thinking and you just need to get over that discomfort. Because if we don’t manage to do this, we’re constantly going to be stressed, rushing all over the place, no buffer zones for anything. We’re constantly going to be avoiding doing the things we know we need to do. It’ll make things worse, which will amplify our overwhelm, because we just haven’t dealt with situations that need dealing with.

[00:02:58] Rachel: It means we never get time for that self care stroke necessary care that we need to do. And we’re always at the beck and call of other people’s demands because the amygdala loves to please other people but it doesn’t really look at pleasing ourselves. And when I say pleasing ourselves, side note, that seems self indulgent doesn’t it? But what I’m talking about is looking after yourself is doing the things that you need to work sustainably and actually have a good impact and a good performance.

[00:03:24] Rachel: This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we talk about on our full podcast episodes. I’ve chosen today’s topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it takes to have a cup of tea so you can return to whatever else you’re up to feeling energized and inspired. For more tools, tips, and insights to help you thrive at work, don’t forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:03:51] Rachel: If we get this right, we get really intentional about how we spend our days. We get really intentional about the conversations that we have. We can really be proud of ourselves because we’ve pushed through and done something despite the discomfort and things will start to change. You’ll also get this positive feedback loop. So that difficult conversation that you’ve been absolutely dreading, you pushed through, you had it, it didn’t go as badly as you thought. And even if it did go as badly as you thought, the consequences probably weren’t as bad as you thought.

[00:04:21] Rachel: We often overestimate the bad stuff that’s going to happen. And we will just feel less reactive as we go through life. So some of the ways that I know I need to start backing my wise self more is firstly giving feedback to people, having really open and honest conversations, saying what I really think and I really mean, giving myself a time buffer, not working right up to the last minute before sort of rushing onto the next thing, not rescuing people when people come to me for help, but actually just taking that time to have that conversation with them, ask questions and empower them, rather than just jumping in and giving advice. But how do we do this?

[00:04:59] Rachel: Well, one thing I’ve started to realise is I really should not rely on my decision in the moment. Because a decision in the moment it’s often going to be made from that amygdala adrenalised zone, from that amygdala sympathetic nervous system. So now it’s not always bad.

[00:05:16] Rachel: It could be excitement. It could be engrossment, it could be that I really want to do something. Now, I have ADHD, I’m quite impulsive, so for me, this is quite a big thing. In the moment. I want to do this. I want to do that. And I rely quite a lot on this amygdala, which is like the chef barking out orders.

[00:05:34] Rachel: What I need to do is rely on that butler the butler that is my prefrontal cortex that has already decided what I’m going to do in a very slow and methodical manner and doesn’t panic.

[00:05:47] Rachel: So I’ve made a list of 11 strategies and what they do is they help you pre make the decision and help you stick to the decision.

[00:05:55] Rachel: My first strategy is hack it. So make it so that you have to do that thing that you have decided to do, that your wise self has decided to do. So, one good way to hack it is to pay for something. So, if you’ve paid for something, you don’t want to be late. I know that I don’t want to be late for a massage that I’ve paid a lot of money for. I’m not going to be even a single minute late because that represents lots and lots of money. You’ve paid for it, you value it, you get there. If you’re meeting somebody to do something, it makes it very inconvenient to the other person if you’re late. So actually scheduling it with somebody else means that you’re going to do it.

[00:06:30] Rachel: I have lots of yoga apps on my phone and sometimes when I can’t make it out to do some exercise I say to myself right at lunchtime I’m going to do an hour of yoga as a break because I know it’s really good for me. But I’ve never once done an hour of yoga at lunchtime because there’s no consequence for not doing it. The app’s always there, I’m not missing out, I’ve already paid for it. Because I’ve noticed I will do the yoga when I’ve booked into it at the gym. It gives me a deadline. I’m doing it with other people and I get a penalty if I don’t turn up. So that’s the first thing, hack it with some accountability and maybe pay for stuff.

[00:07:05] Rachel: And side note, that’s why you do courses and things that you have paid for and you don’t do the free stuff, because you’ve paid for it, you value it more, you’re more likely to do it and you get a better return on your investment.

[00:07:17] Rachel: Next hack, just alert it. So put reminders on your phone, put alarms on your phone. I now put alarm reminders all through the day, otherwise when I’m working on something if I’ve got a call to do or I’m presenting a session, I’ll forget to do that unless I have an alert in good time. Now I found that if I alert myself too early, I just snooze and I forget to do it.

[00:07:37] Rachel: So you need to work out what your sweet spot is. I’ve found that alerting myself three minutes before a phone call I have to do is just about enough time that I don’t think, Oh, I’ve still got another couple of minutes to do this thing before I get on the phone. No, it’s actually. Gosh, I’ve got to stop now, but I’ve still got a minute to sort of find out what the phone calls about. So put an alarm on.

[00:07:55] Rachel: If you want to boost this, you can put your phone or your alarm device across the other side of the room. So it’s really inconvenient. You’ve got to stand up to go and get it. You’ve got to do something to go and turn off the alarm, which will mean that you’re already taking action towards the thing you’re going to do and you’re less likely to get stuck in what you were doing before.

[00:08:14] Rachel: Next hack, block it. Just make it impossible or very difficult to do something. Now, I have taken my work emails off my phone. That stops me checking them. Now that my wise self has said, Rachel, you’ve got to stop checking work emails all weekend and all evening. I can’t get it on my phone. Well, I could, I could log in online, that’d be really, really difficult. But just by taking that off my screen, not having the account in my mail app. It means that I’m not doing it.

[00:08:42] Rachel: If you want to boost this, you can get these things called bricks. They go on your fridge. They stop you from getting into social media. They essentially turn your phone into a, one of those Nokia bricks. I’ve got some friends who found they’re quite addicted to doom scrolling. They’ve used the brick to block social media at certain points in the day, and it’s really, really helped.

[00:08:59] Rachel: If you want to stop eating a certain type of food, don’t have it in your house. Don’t have it where you work. All those sorts of things just make it really difficult to do stuff.

[00:09:07] Rachel: Next, motivate it. So you can create some extrinsic motivation. This is a little reward that you’re going to get if you do that thing. So for example, I could say if I manage to finish that project, I’m going to go out for a nice cake or I’m going to buy myself something nice. So you’ve set up this reward. Now it’s even better if it’s actually something with a negative consequence.

[00:09:31] Rachel: Apparently there are some apps that you can get where you donate some money, and if you fail to do something, that donates it to a cause that you really hate, like, I don’t know, re election campaigns for a despicable politician or something like that. So if you don’t do it, it has a negative consequence, which means a lot to you. So that’s quite interesting. I’ve never done that myself. If anyone has done that, I’d love to hear from you.

[00:09:54] Rachel: But extrinsic motivation, yeah, it works to a point, but actually we know that intrinsic motivation, i. e. the reward is in doing that thing itself is much, much stronger. So I know that if I go and see my personal trainer once a week, I’m going to get stronger. At my age you need to build up your muscle. My back pain might get better. My ankle pain might get better. And I just feel better in myself. So that’s its own reward. So if you’re doing stuff that feels difficult at the time, but you can really tease out what the intrinsic rewards are going to be for you, what is the motivation? Why are you doing that? And remind yourself about it even better.

[00:10:31] Rachel: My next hack is just to ignore it. So I have trained myself now that when my alarm goes off, I’m going to ignore the voice that says, come on, you’ve got another couple of minutes and go, no, I’m ignoring that because I know that that has not worked for me in the past. So that takes a little bit of discipline. It takes having done it a few times, but that is something you could just make a pact with yourself for the next couple of days, you are not going to ignore any of the alarms or the reminders or the packs that you’ve made with yourself.

[00:10:59] Rachel: Another thing that I found helpful is just to name it. So for example, if I’ve decided with my wise self to set off at a certain time to get to a meeting or a training session or something like that, and I think, well, I don’t really need to be there that early. I think to myself, buffer zone, buffer zone. I have done that. So I have a buffer zone. Yes, I might get there early. I can do stuff when I’m there, but it’s going to make me much less stressed.

[00:11:23] Rachel: I have named my thinking time, which I really need to prepare my talks to prepare these podcasts, I’ve named them creative time. So when I’m tempted in the moment to put in things that just eat into that creative time, I go, no, that is creative time that I have blocked. And that’s really important for the podcast. Or sometimes when I have to have a conversation that I really don’t want to have I’m like right I’m gonna put my big girl’s pants and I’m just gonna do it and for me that means you know I’m gonna, I’m gonna actually own what I’m gonna talk about. And I have these mantras in my head like Brene Brown, clear is kind, unclear is unkind. All those things if you can just name it that helps.

[00:11:59] Rachel: Next hack, prep it, prepare for it. So if there’s something that you really don’t want to do, like that conversation, we’ll write down three things that you want to get out of that conversation. Three things that you really want to say. And then you can hold yourself to it. You say, well, I might avoid other stuff, but these are the three things that I really, really need to talk about.

[00:12:19] Rachel: Or if you’re planning your day, If you’re planning your work around your surgery, your clinic or whatever, you can say these are the three priorities I will do. And then when anything else comes at you like, well, okay, have I done these three priorities? Even if it’s urgent to other people, even if the urgency trap springs on me, you can say, well, I’ve already prepared that I am going to do these three things.

[00:12:42] Rachel: The next hack, ride it. So you can ride these things out. They talk about this with sugar cravings, with alcohol cravings. At the time, the craving for that thing seems really, really strong. Or the craving to distract yourself and scroll through social media rather than go on to that project that you need to do. Or the anxiety and worry about the people pleasing or maybe I should do that. Actually, if you can just ride that wave, often the wave settles down.

[00:13:09] Rachel: And you’ll find this if you’ve ever tried to give up sugar, you get these huge sugar cravings but they’re not the same all day, you’ll get one at one point and then it will dip and you’ll think oh gosh half an hour I was desperate for some sugar but now I’m not.

[00:13:21] Rachel: So you can just ride that wave, ride out that real impetus, the chef shouting at you saying do this, do this, do this, you can ride it out and just ignore it and think to yourself well maybe in 10 minutes if I still feel like this but often that is gone.

[00:13:36] Rachel: Next hack. Promise it. Make a promise to yourself, a pact with yourself. Now most of us hate it when we have to break our word to other people. So let’s Keep our word to ourselves, let’s promise ourselves we are going to do something no matter what and then keep our promises. Make a pact with yourself that you are going to do the thing that your wise self decided that you were going to do. And have some sort of ritual around it saying, right, I promise that I am going to do that no matter what. No matter what my amygdala is saying, no matter what the chef shouts at me. The butler is just going to do it this way because that’s what the butler has decided.

[00:14:14] Rachel: Another hack, gamify it. And this is what the makers of all your apps do. They try and gamify everything. So the other day I was having dinner with a friend and she told me that she had done yoga every single day for about three years. I was like, how on earth did you do that? She’s like, well, cause I got a streak. I’ve got a streak. And even if it’s just five minutes a day, she had made sure she wasn’t breaking that streak. So getting badges, getting things for the app, just like keeping a chart where you can tick stuff off that just gamifies it in your mind. Gamify what your wise self wants, what your wise self has decided to do.

[00:14:50] Rachel: And for gamify it and promise it, well you can remind yourself with post its all over the place, with mantras, with pictures, with things that just remind you what you have promised, what you’re going to do and why you have promised it.

[00:15:04] Rachel: And finally, try it. Try it for one day. Try making the decisions before the things actually happen and promise for one day, I’m going to stick to what my wise self has decided. And see, experiment. What’s happened? How do I feel? Did that go better? Did that go worse? It’d be really interesting to see what happens.

[00:15:25] Rachel: Now, of course, there are loads of mistakes we can make in all of this. Firstly, is to beat yourself up. So, please, this is just not another stick to beat yourself with. It’s not a, I should, I should, I should, I should, I should. This is all about, I want to, I have decided to. My wise self knows that this is what I really, deep down, want to do. Okay, so there’s no shoulds, there’s no oughts here.

[00:15:48] Rachel: And understand that sometimes things change. Circumstances in the day change. genuine emergencies come in. Things happen. So it’s okay to change your mind. But make sure you’re changing your mind for the right reason. Not icky, uncomfortable, or you just can’t be bothered.

[00:16:05] Rachel: And another mistake is make sure your Y self isn’t too boring. Leave room for some spontaneity, right? Because I know that I can sit down and make all these plans and then I look at it and think oh that’s just really really boring, or I’ve turned into such a boring person but actually it’s not about that. Because your wise self knows what you really need but also you can make room for spontaneity make sure that your wise self gives you space and time and is it that you can never just do stuff on impulse of course not of course not, but again make sure it’s for the right reason. Because if you know your why, if you know why you have decided to do something, it’s so much easier.

[00:16:45] Rachel: I heard a quote the other day that actually if you get a compelling enough reason that will overcome any procrastination. And the most compelling reason is a really drastic consequence. So if we know we don’t get that thing done or we don’t do that, we’re going to lose our job or get a fine or something like that, we’ll probably get on and do it.

[00:17:05] Rachel: So if you can ramp up the consequences of not doing that thing that you have decided that you want to do, that will motivate you. So that’s a negative motivation.

[00:17:16] Rachel: But understanding your values. Understanding what’s really important to you in life, and understanding how backing your wise self can actually impact on other people too, because it will make you more effective. It will help them. You’ll have more impact in the world. And this is for that. It’s not just for you to feel good, is it for you to be able to perform well, to stick at peak performance by protecting your time, your energy, your capacity, all those different sorts of things.

[00:17:41] Rachel: So how about you try this? You think about next week, you think about all the things you’ve got to do. Make sure you’re in your rest and digest zone, your parasympathetic zone. So you’re thinking straight and you’re thinking, okay, what are the things I really need to achieve next week? What are the things I really want to do? What are the conversations I want to have? How am I going to look after myself? And how can I apply some of those hacks to make sure that I’m backing my wise self and I’m hacking my present self to make it more likely that they actually happen?

[00:18:11] Rachel: I would love to hear any hacks that you have to back your wise self to mean that you actually do what you want to do rather than what your amygdala says you ought to do or you should do in the moment. It’s all about working out what we want to do, who we want to be, where we want to go and backing that decision.