Clear and Direct is Better than Hinting and Hoping

[00:00:00] Rachel: Have you ever emailed the rest of the team saying, yeah, that’s interesting, we should talk to so-and-so about that, only six weeks later to find that nobody has done anything at all. Or what about when a friend asks you, do you want to come along to this talk with me? And you know that night you really need to be in, but you say, oh, it sounds interesting, let me have some more details. They take it as a yes, you think you’ve said no, and then the night comes and they text you and say, I’ve got that ticket, we’re meeting at seven, you think, why didn’t I say a straightforward no?

[00:00:32] Rachel: This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we talk about on our full podcast episodes. I’ve chosen today’s topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it takes to have a cup of tea so you can return to whatever else you’re up to feeling energized and inspired. For more tools, tips, and insights to help you thrive at work, don’t forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:00:59] Rachel: Now, sometimes there are things I hear several times in one week, and when I hear the same phrase said several times by several different people, I just think it’s a universe telling me we should be talking about something on the podcast.

[00:01:11] Rachel: And this week I want to talk about clarity. And it’s something that I struggle with myself. Only the other week, some members of my team were asking for more clarity about their specific roles and what I expected them to do.

[00:01:25] Rachel: And I guess if I’m honest, I’ve been thinking to myself, I don’t want to offend anybody by telling them I want ’em to do this and not this. And so I’d sort of hedged around and said, well, let’s just see, uh, let me know what it is you want to do. And then they were worried about communicating with me exactly what it was that they thought they should be doing ’cause they didn’t want to offend me.

[00:01:48] Rachel: and when I started to really delve into this, I realized there were lots and lots of occasions where I am unclear. How many times have I sent an email just with the words ASAP at the end, and then something hasn’t come back for a while, and I’ve been fuming actually, when I meant ASAP, I meant by the next day. But that person had sort of taken two weeks to do it.

[00:02:08] Rachel: Or perhaps times when I’ve said, well, I really don’t mind what you think. Whatever you think. When actually I did mind and I had quite strong opinions about what I wanted, and then when I didn’t get what I wanted, I resented it.

[00:02:19] Rachel: Sometimes we say things like, yeah, whatever works for you. We don’t really mean that. Or let me know your thoughts, when actually what we wanted was then to just do it. Sometimes I’ve said to my family, I’ve just gotta check a couple of emails, knowing full well that I’ve got another hour of work to do. So they’re waiting for me to do something and I’m just down in my office working. Or I’ve said, oh, well, I, I would love it if this could happen, but not actually said, it’s really important to me that this happens. Or I’d rather not, but you know, I could. If you’ve got nobody else to cover. Then of course they’re gonna think. Yeah, look, Rachel said she would anyway.

[00:02:55] Rachel: And here’s the thing about lack of clarity. We tell ourselves that we are being polite, but lack of clarity isn’t polite, it’s not kind. If clear is kind, then unclear is unkind. And most of us, especially in healthcare, we unconsciously hedge, hint and hope. We soften everything. We make things unclear. We say things like, sorry to bother you, but, or Would you mind possibly, or I’ll try to, or things like I said earlier, ASAP. And we do it at work. We do it in emails, we do it with colleagues. We even do it at home. Because we worry, don’t we?

[00:03:30] Rachel: And particularly if you’re a woman, we worry that being direct is taken as being rude. That if we are clear, that’s taken as being bossy. And if we say no, well you are selfish.

[00:03:42] Rachel: We also worry that this could possibly be career limiting or we worry that it might destroy a relationship that we hold really dear. And we also worry about how other people see us.

[00:03:53] Rachel: And sometimes we have tried to be clear but not gone far enough. So with my family, I get very frustrated when nobody empties the dishwasher and when I have emptied the dishwasher, nobody puts their stuff in. So the other day I said to them, please at least will you put your own bowls and things in the dishwasher, and then what happens? I come down to find that people have put their own stuff away, but nothing else in the kitchen.

[00:04:17] Rachel: And then I feel really annoyed that they’re being thoughtless, that they don’t care about my feelings when they’d done what I’d asked them to do, which was put their own things in the dishwasher. I’d hinted at what I wanted, but I wasn’t clear.

[00:04:29] Rachel: Now the dishwasher is a very minor example, but I know there’s been times where I haven’t given feedback to people I needed to at work. I haven’t been clear about the support I needed from them. And then when they failed to give it to me, I would get more and more resentful. And that resentment would come out in other ways, like in a meeting, I’d suddenly snap at them or just go, well, why aren’t you done that? And be really short with them. And then I felt even worse about myself, and then I would fawn and try and make things better and then get even less clear. So it can be a real vicious circle.

[00:04:59] Rachel: But do I hedge my bets? Do I hint and hope ’cause I’m a bad person? No, of course not. We do it for all the reasons that we can’t say no, for all the other reasons why we find it difficult giving feedback, because we want to avoid conflict. We wanna be polite. We wanna protect other people from from discomfort. Many of us want to keep everybody else happy and just keep everything peaceful.

[00:05:26] Rachel: And also, sometimes we are really unclear because we need to make a decision about something, but we haven’t got the mental capacity at the time to make a decision. A colleague was telling me that after having done some work around setting boundaries and saying no, that she knows that she always used to say, yeah, I, I probably could make that work, let, let, let me see when someone asked her about something.

[00:05:51] Rachel: And now when someone asks her to do something, she’s made a habit of saying to them, let me get back to you in the, in two days time, and I’ll let you know if I can do that or not, giving herself a deadline and being really clear about the decision making process.

[00:06:07] Rachel: So underneath it all, we don’t want to upset people, we don’t want people to think badly of us, And this lack of clarity is based on these underlying stories that we have all the time in healthcare, we talk about them all the time in the podcast. But it’s fear. Fear of the other person’s reaction of, of losing the relationship. Fear that they might complain about us or think badly of us.

[00:06:30] Rachel: It’s based on guilt. If that person’s upset by the clarity that I’ve given them, if I say something that’s clear but they don’t like it, I’m gonna feel really bad if they’re upset or I hurt their feelings. And then underneath that, there’s even more toxic thing of shame, that if somebody is upset by what I’ve said or somebody takes it badly, then it means I’m a bad person. I am bad.,

[00:06:55] Rachel: Nobody wants to feel like that,, so we avoid stuff. We hedge and we hint and hope rather than expressing what we really want and what we really need. Because what if they think that I am selfish? And it’s interesting, this one about being selfish in healthcare. It’s our particular kryptonite, isn’t it? Because I think we’ve been brought up to always put the patient first, to always think about other people. A lot of us define ourselves by helping other people. So being selfish is saying, well, I’m not. I’m the opposite of this image that I have of myself.

[00:07:27] Rachel: But it is not selfish to put yourself first to give clear boundaries. I think it’s more selfish actually to not to be clear, to hedge and hint and hope because it protects you from that short term pain and that short term discomfort of not being light of somebody thinking badly of you.

[00:07:45] Rachel: Because hinting, hedging and hoping, it doesn’t avoid conflict, it just postpones it, and it often makes things worse. ’cause when you are unclear, people have to guess what you mean, and they usually guess wrong.

[00:07:59] Rachel: Nobody can mind read. One of the favorite things I’ve learned in the past few years was in a study on who can mind read and who minds reads the best, that actually married couples are the very worst at mind reading ’cause they just assume they know what the other person wants or thinks. And the people who are best, well they were people on first dates. Why were they best at mind reading? Because they asked the person what they wanted. They were really clear. They didn’t just assume.

[00:08:23] Rachel: A few weeks ago, I was at the beautician getting my fingernails and getting my toenails done. And I knew I also wanted my eyebrows, but I didn’t think I’d booked it. And I thought, well, it only takes 15 minutes, so let’s just see if they can do it as well. So I asked the, the beautician, I said, oh, did I book for my eyebrows as well? And she said, oh, let me have a look. So she looked and she said, no, you didn’t. So then I waited. I went, oh, cause oh, I wanted to get those done. And she didn’t say anything and just kept going with my nails.

[00:08:51] Rachel: And I thought, oh, maybe she’s too busy or maybe she just wants a break because she’s, she’s tired. And then I thought, no, I’m gonna ask. I said, I don’t suppose you have a spare 15 minutes to you before the next person. And she said, oh, you know what? I could probably fit you in for that now, that’s fine. I just hinted and expected that she would know exactly what I meant, that I wanted this extra treatment rather than asking directly for what I needed.

[00:09:17] Rachel: So if you think you know what the other person’s thinking or think that they can mind read you, you’re completely barking up the wrong tree. They probably can’t, and they will probably get it wrong, and then you get upset when they get it wrong. You end up resentful.

[00:09:31] Rachel: And I definitely do this. You know, how can you not know that I need help here? I expected you to just intuit that when I said I was really tired, what I meant was, please, can you cook dinner tonight? You think the other person knows and is ignoring your request. And that’s really quite hurtful, isn’t it? Because if somebody really did know what you were asking and were ignoring you, well that’d be really mean? Nine times out of ten they don’t actually know what you need. They’re not ignoring you. They’re often just confused.

[00:10:01] Rachel: And then of course, if we hedge, hint and hope, deadlines are missed. If you ask somebody to do something, say, well, ASAP or, or if you say, yeah, I do need it quite soon, but I don’t wanna put you out, rather than saying, actually, I do need this in the next 24 hours, then of course they’re gonna miss the deadline, they didn’t know they needed to hit it.

[00:10:17] Rachel: And then people trample all over your boundaries if you are not clear. Why? Because half the time they don’t know what your boundaries are. Saying things like, I’d rather not do that that day ’cause it’s my son’s birthday. And then they said, well, she’d rather not, but she didn’t say no, therefore, we’ll roster her on there. And I’m like, that’s my boundary. My boundary is I always are there in the evening for my son’s birthday. Well, they didn’t know that.

[00:10:40] Rachel: If you say, actually that’s a pretty non-negotiable for me. It’s my son’s birthday, I can’t do it that night, much more clear now. They might think slightly badly of you at the time, but they will understand.

[00:10:51] Rachel: And the problem is when you are unclear, trust is eroded. Because quite often people end up thinking you’ve said yes when you meant no. Then when you do eventually say no and let them down, that’s terrible.

[00:11:05] Rachel: I recently had a big birthday weekend and we invited lots of people to come along and immediately someone wrote back and said, actually, they can’t come that weekend with their family, because it just seemed a bit, a bit of a bridge too far. It was too far away, they had other stuff on, and I was really pleased that they’d said that.

[00:11:22] Rachel: Now, a couple of other families didn’t email until the week before, after we’d booked everything. After we’d booked all the food and stuff, and they gave almost the same excuse, like, well, you know, it was just too much, our kids had camps back to back and that’s absolutely fine, but they would’ve known that when the invite came out. But they hedged, they didn’t wanna say no and let me down. It was far worse, only finding out a few days before, and that has eroded trust.

[00:11:49] Rachel: And one of the most toxic things about not being clear is the assumption that somebody can’t handle the truth. Now, that’s incredibly patronizing, isn’t it? I would hate to think that somebody’s not being clear with me because they don’t think I can handle the truth. It is patriarchal. It doesn’t show any respect and what’s more, it strips the other person of choice.

[00:12:09] Rachel: Now, adults deserve honesty and respect. Well, children deserve honesty and respect. Human beings deserve honesty and respect. And you are denying them the gift of perhaps some negative feedback, or you are denying them the gift of just knowing in advance rather than letting them down at a later date.

[00:12:29] Rachel: In a podcast I was listening to with with Tessa White, who’s the job doctor, she said that negative feedback is an absolute gift. And, and in fact, side note, if someone gives you a bit of negative feedback and it, it’s not too bad, but it is negative, then times it by 10. And that is a sort of effect that your behavior is having. They will have hedged that negative feedback. They wouldn’t have given it strongly enough.

[00:12:51] Rachel: And I’ve often thought about that when someone has said to me, well, Rachel, you weren’t quite so clear there, or I think you could possibly have listened a bit more there, I think actually that is something I really, really need to listen to.

[00:13:01] Rachel: So there’s times we think that we are sparing ourselves or sparing someone else, but the reality is much, much worse. And when we avoid telling people, telling people what we really think, we end up ghosting them ’cause it’s just too difficult to do it, so we just ignore the emails, which is much, much worse than actually being direct, or we keep them hanging.

[00:13:21] Rachel: And when I was first starting to coach, I’d have people saying, yeah, I’d, I’d really like some, some coaching sessions, it sounds like it might be quite good, but then never get back to me. Which is totally fine, but I would’ve much preferred a no, this doesn’t sound like something for me right now.

[00:13:35] Rachel: So even though the norm is that most of us just hedge our bets, we hint and we hope ’cause we think it’s protecting people, actually, it is cruel, clear. Is kind even if it sounds to us like it’s a bit brutal. So Brene Brown says, clear is kind, unclear is unkind. Jefferson Fisher says, clarity saves relationships, and people really respect what you are clear about.

[00:14:02] Rachel: And I’ve definitely encountered that in my own life with friends who have put boundaries in with me, have said no, but they’ve been very clear. And initially I might have thought all crumbs, that felt a bit jolty, but now I know I can trust them, that when they say yes, they mean yes, and when they say no, they mean no.

[00:14:18] Rachel: So clarity doesn’t mean cruelty and it doesn’t mean barking orders. It means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It means setting boundaries with respect and letting your yes be your yes and your no, be your no.

[00:14:33] Rachel: So we have a choice we can carry on with the three Hs. Hedging, hinting and hoping. If you keep doing this, then you are staying in that boiling pan. You’re the frog who’s being slowly boiled alive, and you keep saying yes when you mean no, you keep apologizing for existing, you keep writing emails that nobody understands or responds to, and the resentment builds. People keep piling things on you ’cause they just don’t know the limits and you’re just heating the water up the whole time.

[00:15:03] Rachel: But you can start practicing clarity just in tiny, tiny ways. So one clear no will stop that piling up. One clear deadline means the work actually gets done and one honest conversation can prevent three weeks of this simmering resentment. So clarity is actually how you turn the heat down, how you un frog yourself.

[00:15:25] Rachel: So let’s delve a little bit deeper into this. ’cause I think there are some reasons why in healthcare we struggle with this even more than usual because we have these overwhelm amplifiers. These are our real strengths that then end up acting like our kryptonite.

[00:15:40] Rachel: So for doctors and other healthcare professionals, we have this over responsibility, this feeling of, well, I should be doing it anyway and, and my job is to pick up all the slack. So we end up hedging when we don’t really wanna do something. We also have this superhero delusion that I have no limits. I’m strong when everyone else isn’t, and I will cope somehow. And so I can’t really say no. I’ll just hint that I want to, but I’ll end up doing it anyway.

[00:16:07] Rachel: And we can be very, very conflict avoidant because our inner dialogue is that we should never upset anybody, we should please everybody all the time. Add to that a bit of perfectionism, that if I can’t say it perfectly and not upset them, then I’m not gonna say it at all. But can you ever say no to someone in a completely perfect way that’s never gonna upset anybody? Of course not because you are not in control of how somebody takes your no.

[00:16:32] Rachel: Just because somebody is upset or doesn’t like what you’ve said, it doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to say. And this goes directly into our people pleasing genes, and not wanting people to think that we are difficult, always wanting to be the one that helps. And so we really fear being direct.

[00:16:50] Rachel: So you can catch yourself whenever you say, well, I’ll try, that’s hedging. Or ASAP, that’s not being clear, or I don’t really mind, you probably do mind. If you genuinely don’t mind. Then maybe find another phrase to use, like, I’m really, really not bothered either way.

[00:17:08] Rachel: And in healthcare, there are some specific assumptions that we can make about people such as they can’t handle it. And unfortunately not even that long ago in medical history, doctors used to protect patients from diagnoses, even life-threatening diagnoses because they thought the patient couldn’t handle it. We kept them in the dark. That is so patronizing, isn’t it? We would never do that nowadays. So why are we doing it about other things with our colleagues or our families? It’s patronizing, it’s patriarchal, and it removes their choice.

[00:17:39] Rachel: We assume that they’ll think I’m difficult. And the one that catches a lot of us out, I think is, it’s obvious. We think it should be really obvious what somebody wants. We think people can mind read. Nobody can mind read, not even, or perhaps definitely not your nearest and dearest.

[00:18:00] Rachel: And then you say to yourself, I’ll protect them from the stress. But actually what you are doing, you’re not protecting them from stress. You’re protecting yourself from discomfort. That’s not very kind, is it?

[00:18:11] Rachel: And I remember talking to one of my members of my team, it was obvious to most of us that she was in a role that she didn’t enjoy. And as a consequence, she wasn’t doing a very good job. And eventually, and I should have done it months before, but eventually I was able to say to her, it strikes me as this role isn’t right for you. And the look of relief on her face. She said, no, you are right. It’s absolutely not. But she wasn’t saying anything because she was wanting to protect me. Both of us had not been clear with each other because we were wanting to protect the other person.

[00:18:44] Rachel: So the reason we do it, it is mostly out of good intent, but that very quickly goes into self-protection actually, rather than wanting the best for the other person. So what can we do about this? Well, here are some red flags that you can spot in your communication which might show that you are not being as clear as you could.

[00:19:07] Rachel: So that phrase I’ve already used, I’ll try. Change that to either I will or I won’t. Let your yes. Be your yes and your no be your no. ASAP, give an absolute deadline. Please can I have it by Friday at 12.

[00:19:18] Rachel: Rather than saying, I don’t mind, change that to, well what I’d prefer is. And if you catch yourself saying Sorry, but stop and go. Just I can’t do that right now. Thank you for asking. So when you find yourself using phrases like that to hedge, that is a red flag, that is a sign that your pan is heating up.

[00:19:38] Rachel: Now, one area where we are often very unclear is emails, which is odd, isn’t it? ‘Cause it’s written communication, you think we could be clear in an email. But so many times I receive an email, where I’m not clear whether it’s a request, what they want, if I should email back or what. So here is a little formula I’ve got for some clarity in an email whilst keeping it friendly.

[00:20:00] Rachel: So you start with a warm greeting, just one line. Hope your week’s going well. Or how are you doing? Or remember something that you know about them. I hope the start of school has been okay.

[00:20:11] Rachel: Next, a clear ask using the headline first. So please, can you send me your slides by Friday at five? If you want to, you can give a short rationale so we can finalize the pack before the session in the evening. Polite close, thanks so much, Rachel. So warm greeting, clear, ask, short rationale, and a polite close.

[00:20:32] Rachel: The unclear version of that would be, sorry to bother you. Uh, just wondering if you might be able to send me your slides as soon as possible. Hope that makes sense. Thanks a lot. Waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle. With very best wishes, Rachel. I will put that formula and an email clarity checklist in the CPD pod sheet for this week. But when it comes to emails, do not write pages and pages. Plus, it’s very difficult to read tone in an email.

[00:20:56] Rachel: And here’s the thing about hedging. Often we hedge because we want to be kind. But actually you can use kindness in your tone, not in what you actually say, which is why email. It’s quite difficult ’cause it’s quite difficult to get the tone right in emails. So if you are having to write pages and pages and justify yourself, I would question is an email the right mode of communication for you? Maybe it’s better to pick up the phone or leave a voice note.

[00:21:21] Rachel: Sometimes in an attempt to soften things up, we end up hedging. So we might say things like, I don’t want to add to your load, or I don’t wanna embarrass you, but, or, or, I hate to ask, but here’s what you could use instead. So instead of, I don’t want to add to your load, you could say, I know you are busy, so I’ll be super clear about what I need right now. Or instead of, I don’t want to embarrass you, you could say, I just wanted to share some feedback I thought you’d want to know. Or instead of, oh, I hate to ask, or I’m feeling really bad about asking, just say, could you specific requests.

[00:21:51] Rachel: So look out for the red flags that mean you are being unclear. Look out for when you are making assumptions that might just be patronizing or full of self delusion that you are actually protecting them when what you are doing is protecting yourself.

[00:22:07] Rachel: And finally, if you want to be clear with other people, then often you need to be clear with yourself first. Often we hedge because we don’t have clarity about what we really want and what we really need. So if you find yourself hedging, hinting, and hoping, ask yourself, well, what do I really want here? What am I afraid to voice? And what would I really like to say?

[00:22:31] Rachel: And which of the overwhelm amplifies is holding me back? Am I feeling like, well, I should do it? Am I worried about pleasing other people? Am I worried about conflict? And something I have tried when I’m not sure what to say is a very simple two column exercise. Just get a piece of paper, put a line down the middle of it, and on one side, say what I really want to say, like unfiltered, like no, I do not want to come to that play that night, i’m absolutely knackered and I’d rather boil my head. And on the other side, how could you say it so it lands as well as it could and is really clear.

[00:23:08] Rachel: So thank you for asking. I’m afraid I won’t be able to come to that play, hope you have a great time. ‘ Cause that’s what I mean, that’s what I really mean. I want ’em to have a good time and I really don’t wanna go there. But I’ve used that two con method loads and loads, and it has really, really helped things.

[00:23:24] Rachel: And you might need to partner up here. You might need to find a clarity buddy and just say, I need to be clear. What do you understand by this email? If I sent this to you, what would you understand by it? And just get some accountability with each other. Because clarity with yourself is the first way that you start to turn down the heat.

[00:23:43] Rachel: So here’s one thing you could try this week before you have your next tricky conversation, or write the next email, pause and ask yourself, what is the clearest, kindest way that I can say this right now? Check for the red flag phrases. If you find one, swap it for a clear alternative. That’s all you need to do. And as a reminder, some of the red flag phrases I’ll try, I don’t mind, or sorry, but.

[00:24:11] Rachel: Clarity isn’t rude, it’s not bossy. It’s respect, and it’s a choice, and it is kind. It’s kindness itself. Every time you practice it, you are turning the heat down in your pot and also somebody else’s pan, and that will help everybody get un-frogged.